


I am folded and unfolded...I am ready, I am fine

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Stucky - Freeform, post winter soldier, unsent letters to bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 23:19:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4541274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is struggling to move on after Bucky pulled him out of the Potomac and disappeared without a trace. He sees a therapist one Thursday morning and she suggests he put down all the words he could never say on paper. Every letter is addressed to Bucky - everything begins and ends with him. Always has.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am folded and unfolded...I am ready, I am fine

Bucky,

  I know that you're the one who pulled me to shore after I fell out of the hellicarrier - thank you for that. I miss you something awful and it feels like I've lost a huge part of who I am. The harder I try to blend the present and the past the more they morph into memories of you. I don't expect you to remember them - I don't expect anything at all that you're not willing to give. If you'll come back to me we can piece them together - you've always been a sucker for puzzles. Remember that one Winter where it snowed so hard that the power went out and we spent four hours talking and doing a jigsaw puzzle and you told me things you'd never told another soul? If you've forgotten that and your way home - please find me. We can fix this.

 

Bucky,

  You wouldn't believe the sort of things I see nearly everyday. There's a man who can shrink to the size of an ant - an _ant,_ Bucky. Imagine the trouble we would've gotten in as kids if we could've pulled that off. Mrs. Mable from next door would've given us a strong talking to and made us promise to keep out of trouble next time - we wouldn't have of course. I miss you like crazy Buck.

 

Bucky,

 It's coming down in buckets outside and the sound of the rain against the window reminded me of you. Remember that one time that we made a mad dash to the apartment and our clothes stuck to our backs but we couldn't stop laughing. You made me promise to bring an umbrella next time because (and you used your bossy voice) 'We can't have you getting sick again Stevie." You were such a mother hen, if I so much as coughed too hard you'd try to coop me up indoors. Come home - we can close our eyes and pretend that raindrops are music and they're playing our song. We'll dance until our feet are aching, just like we used to.

 

Bucky,

   Today is your birthday and seeing as you're not here to celebrate it with me, I picked up a box of cupcakes (chocolate with rich frosting - your favorite) and ate them in my apartment alone. Pathetic huh? I kept waiting for you to storm through the door and lecture me about eating all of the sweets without saving you one and maybe I did that - maybe I waited and watched the door. You didn't come.

 

Bucky,

  I want to clear the air here about something. I know, I know...its been 70 years. Hush. The night at the bar with the Howling Commandos - you made a quip about the skinner version of me and I've never seen you look so down in your entire life.  I'm still Steve from Brooklyn who spent so much time with his best friend (that's you) that he had no experience with women at all. I'm the same person who puked after you made me ride The Cyclone at Coney Island. _I'm still here._

 

Bucky,

  I've taken up sketching again. Today I sketched our old apartment with its dusty corners, bathtub in the kitchen and you stretched out on the bed. We had to share one back then and I only complained about your cold feet because I figured it would be a good distraction from wanting to roll over and kiss you until you saw stars. Don't even act surprised - you knew it all along. It's why you set me up with that blonde who spent most of the time clutching her friends hand instead of mine. It was _our_ date. It's too bad it took me over a decade to realize that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for so many things.

 

Bucky,

  About the last day before you shipped out to England...I told you I desperately wanted to try my chances at enlisting one more time but that was only half of it. I couldn't stand to see her squeezing your hand when the most I got was an arm around my shoulders. Not that I'm complaining especially when you pulled me in closer and for a hot second I thought you were going to kiss me right there in that dirty alley. I wouldn't have put up a fight - never have when it comes to you. Now get your sorry butt back here so you can make it up to me - you owe me big time and no I won't forget. Jerk.

 

Bucky,

 Do you remember Kitty Kallen? We used to play her record over and over until the neighbors banged on the walls to make us quit. Your favorite song was "[When They Ask About You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEomXCQWwIw)". I shelled out $150 for that record last year and I'm not ashamed to admit that I listened (correction - listen) to it every night. God I miss you and I don't just mean the Bucky that I grew up with - all of you. 

 

Bucky,

  Did I ever tell you about Peggy? You met her once and tried to charm her into a dance but she turned you down - it's okay. I know you well enough to tell when you're not really into it or not. She said that you following me into war (again) meant that you must've thought I was damn well worth it. I wish she was right - I really do. By the way, you owe me a dance because your death made me lose the one that I promised her. Don't give me that - your feet are much stronger now and won't hurt if I step on your toes but if it bothers you that much I'll let you teach me.

 

Bucky,

  My friend Sam said that if we can find you (please let me) you'll be safe. Buck there are people out there that want your head on a platter and I can't let that happen. I'll spend the rest of my life searching for you if need be - you know how stubborn I can be when I find a worthy cause. _You're_ my worthy cause, always have been. 'Til the end of the line remember?

 

Bucky,

  Sam and I went running this morning and I passed someone who looked like you. I nearly tackled the poor guy only to find that it it wasn't you. I can't do this anymore.

 

Bucky,

   When you find you, come back to me. I love you. God I've loved you since we were nine years old and you punched a bully for me for the first time. I fell hard and I haven't picked myself up since. I don't want to.

 

Bucky,

 I did something stupid today. I ran straight through a solid wall and I have a dark purple bruise blooming on my shoulder. All I could hear in my head was your voice 'Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone'. Guess I'm not very good at listening. I went back and helped put it back together. We're that wall Buck - we're worth saving.

 

Bucky,

 Natasha keeps trying to set me up on dates (don't give me that lip - I _know_ I'm bad at this kind of stuff) and I'm running out of ways to say "I can't see myself without him and I can't seem to move on." That's no healthy way to have a relationship. They're not _you._

 

Bucky,

  I know you don't remember this but I need you to. Fall of '38 with all the leaves littering the ground - you with an arm thrown over my shoulder as we took in a film and went back to your house. Your house had cozy pastel walls in the kitchen, always smelled like fresh pie, newspaper was tacked to living room walls and your ma always had a peanut butter sandwich for me. We went to your room (you always complained that it was too small and would it kill someone to have put a window in there?) and lay side by side on the bed as you waxed poetic about the latest scientific discovery (honestly I wasn't listening - I was too busy trying not to stare at your lips) and I gave in. I intended on a simple peck to the lips but you rolled us until I was pressed into the mattress and for as long as I live I'll never forget how your tongue felt against mine. It was heaven and hell at the same time. The next day I told you I only did it so you'd stop blabbering on - I lied. You bought it. I wish I hadn't.

 

Bucky,

 We found you today and it knocked the wind right out of me. I spent over 2+ years of my life (for that matter, most of my life) searching darkened alley ways, train stations, traveling from New York to California and all the places in between until we got to this point. I couldn't bring myself to address you at first - the look in your eyes made me want to run out the door and pummel every person who did this to you. I can't handle my own emotions when it comes to you - that's what it all boils down to really. _You._ The beginning of the line and all the way down to the end. Somehow I always knew I'd find you there. I only wish it was under better circumstances. We've been given another chance - lets try not to mess this one up okay? I'm all in. It's you and me or nothing at all. I love you I love you I love you. I regret every minute that I swallowed those words and buried them - my heart is a cemetery of wilted words that never sprouted. I'm taking a bulldozer and unearthing feelings that I lost when you fell. This is gonna be okay. _We're_ gonna be okay. Christ, there's nothing at all you could ever do to make me love you less and I hope you know that.

 

Steve,

 I missed you. Feels like I've been away a long long time. Hope you don't mind that I pilfered these letters, I'm only trying to find out who I am. Who I was. I'm doing my best.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from 'colorblind' by counting crows
> 
> Kitty Kallen is who sang "Its Been a Long Long Time" on the Captain America Winter Soldier soundtrack just two minutes before they showed Bucky on the roof. Go listen to it and the lyrics, you're welcome. [the linked song is from that record btw so it's possible that Steve listened to it]


End file.
